Just a sudden thought

Though I had this feeling ever since New Year this year, it suddenly came back again. I think I'm the reason my friends come and go. I didn't put in enough effort and has not been hanging on really strongly. Since young, I have been with different groups of friends and I realised that every time when I hang on to another group of friends, I couldn't maintain my relationship with the previous group. Hence, things start to fall apart or got distant after some time. I don't mean to neglect them or anything like that. To me, they are still very important part of me and my life. Just that I didn't spend enough time to maintain our relationship. I don't wish this to happen but it's like inevitably, it just happen every time. My dear friends, I just want you to know that all of you are very important to me though I don't call or sms or meet up with you often. I'm sorry if I seem as if I didn't care about you. So sorry...

Recently, I'm really starting to feel that I'm the real problem. Though I know it myself, I couldn't do anything. It feels so helpless when you know you've got a problem and yet I could'nt do anything about it. This feeling gets worse when you know the people around you are just trying to care for me and giving good advices, yet I have been letting them down all the times. Yes, I think I'm to blame. Even if I know it, I just help myself. These sound like excuses, but sometimes it's really hard to change a habit, especially a bad habit overnight. It's like smoking and drug taking, it needs time. Excuses, excuses... I really don't know when can I wake up. Probably I deserve it.

...

Sudden lost of words. Just hate my stupid handling of all sorts of relatioship. Especially, friendship. I really suck at it. I hope you (any of you) can accept this flaw of mine and still accept me as part of your life.